[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters