I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to