eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
You Might Also Like
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
She: I like Cats
He:
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
happy valentine’s day to me
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks