I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
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God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!