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CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”