My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.