There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”