1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.

He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”

So are the days of our lives.

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It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall


I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…


When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos


Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT


Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.


Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.



Do you sell bloodpants?







“Right this way…”


Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.


Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.


The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.