It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.
He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”
So are the days of our lives.
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Right this way…”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.