*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
This is always good for a laugh.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999