[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
-I love you!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-I want u to say it
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Are we there yet?…
Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about
Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it