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@Barknado69

Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much

@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

@JohnLyonTweets

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@3sunzzz

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

@NurseSeymour

Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.

@ClarkSpringheel

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

@Havish_AF

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

@Parentpains

Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.

@KarenKilgariff

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.