Amoeba: dad, how was I made?
Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.