That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
had to make it
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
they split up moments later