The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.