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@Hobo_Splendido

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

@MRagaab

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

@bridger_w

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

@SkippyMcGizzard

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

@TuSoonShakur

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

@TheHyyyype

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.