Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.