You Might Also Like

@Jamberee13

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

@StrawburyDelite

Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.

@ThugRaccoons

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

@KentTheG

When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”

@KKAlThani

Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.

@SteussieErica

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

@Brampersandon_

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

@TheAlexNevil

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?