My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.