I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
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I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Confused owl: What?!
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks