Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
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Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.