APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
How to draw a duck
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no