Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.