A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
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The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Great acting.. 😂
If only.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.