[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I love art.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives