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@WestofCrazy

What is “Fine”

I’ll take passive-aggressive responses for $800, Alex…

@NicCageMatch

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

@MsLisaM

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

@ItsAndyRyan

Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”

@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

@JustMeTurtle

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

@mommajessiec

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

@badbanana

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.