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@david8hughes

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

@Swoosh61

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

@BatBatshitcrazy

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

@PlainTravis

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

@Home_Halfway

I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in

@DannyZuker

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

@NotTodayEric

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

@Marlebean

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

@junejuly12

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

@djdarrellripley

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…