[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me: meet me at 8 sharp
Kid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…