You Might Also Like


[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip


[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?


In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.


Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!


I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in


Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.


If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.


Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor


Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably


Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…