Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Match dot com, but for socks.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Trumpy Cat
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah