When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!