Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
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Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.