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Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in


Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.


Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano


all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot


I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”


My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.


I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.


Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.


Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.


I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.