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@mydmac

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

@runawaycupcake

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

@allycondie

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

@bluntphilip

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

@brunopieroni

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

@kristinb5150

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

@PondHockeyPro

My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.

@CulturedRuffian

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.