if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
You Might Also Like
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Morning my dudes.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.