[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up