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@crayan9

Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren’t clean, they’re full of spit

@mlkef

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@david8hughes

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

@LoriGallucci

Ladies, don’t date him just because his dad has a yacht.
Date the dad.

@Piecezilla

[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast

@joshgondelman

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

@samalmightysam

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

@radtoria

[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD

@brynnester

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help