nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
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Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Breaking news:
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.