Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots