Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I see your IQ test came back negative
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
forgive me baja for i have blast
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?