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@Julian_Epp

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

@hmcpherson17

Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.

@lizzzzzielogan

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

@OusaMedousa

My husband explaining how to warmup the mower by first priming her and letting her run for a bit, before using her.

I’m standing right here.

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@SteveOHellNo

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

@flashember

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight