People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My husband explaining how to warmup the mower by first priming her and letting her run for a bit, before using her.
I’m standing right here.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight