1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
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“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
#StillHurts
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs