@TheAndrewNadeau

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

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@SequelsWeWant

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

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@House_Feminist

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

@NewDadNotes

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

@kellysdf

Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.

@CaucasianJames

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

@CourtneyBale

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

@SexySillyGrl

Your honor, I second that motion

Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated

@spaceboyriley

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

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@Cheeseboy22

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

@katya_411

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