I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.