She: In the future, can you please put the seat down?
Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?
14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana?
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If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I grew up for this?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident