@TheMichaelRock

14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana?

Me: Today?

14yo: What?

Me: What?

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: In the future, can you please put the seat down?

Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?

@1CleverGirl1

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

@AmandaRNH

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

@TheWeirdWorld

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

@RobbyActually

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

@ClichedOut

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

@2tickytacky

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

@_knuck_

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

@rajandelman

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident