Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!