15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”