15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf