15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Growing up was a huge mistake
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”