15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
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ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
the answer was staring at me all along
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.