[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
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Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I missed you with all my darts
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Terribly Tuesday.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The pasta is now
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.