15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
You Might Also Like
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I’m calling the cops.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Bike for sale
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
(Musicians.)
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”