15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
You Might Also Like
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping