@Try2StopME

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

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@BrierBrisk

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

@tastefactory

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

@EndhooS

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

@SuchaDumbWorld

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@osoplain

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

@free_mattress

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

@Llama5x

Dad! I found great Black Friday deals on Amazon!

Pffft… Back in my day, we used to walk barefoot in the snow to Walmart, both ways, stampede, elbow, and tackle other shoppers to the ground just to get good a deal on a toaster

@UnFitz

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

@ambermruffin

Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you’re walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don’t forget to stop as you enter the restroom.