15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.