[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche