Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“He’s more scared of you than you are of him” – Girl coaching her friend into talking to me
[the invention of knocking]
i’m gonna punch your house until you talk to me