@dinoman_j
@RecursiveTaco
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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@RecursiveTaco
@TuSoonShakur
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
@iamspacegirl
Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.
@cutswish
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
@jakob_huber
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
@ZZeitgeists
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
@G_Faylor
i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt
@CotysGotThis
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
@OVLH
“He’s more scared of you than you are of him” – Girl coaching her friend into talking to me
@themiltron
[the invention of knocking]
i’m gonna punch your house until you talk to me