Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls