I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
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Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
secret recipe
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter