It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.