152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I over-think, therefore I ruin everything
*pile of dishes in the sink*
*laundry hamper overflowing*
*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*
*toys scattered across the house*
Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?