152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
How it started How it’s going
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
i- i did not expect this
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours