@TheTweetOfGod

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

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@TheTweetOfGod

When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.

@ComedicBust

Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.

@goodtimenoel

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

@Nikkeya08

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

@BruceForce

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

@GrantTanaka

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@cottoncandaddy

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”