M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson