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@sixfootcandy

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

@MissScarlettK

I’m a pretty confident woman until I walk out of the grocery store & try to find where I parked.

@UnFitz

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

@InternetHippo

Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends

@TheCatWhisprer

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

@DothTheDoth

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.