Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
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[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Yup.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.