Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
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All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’m a pretty confident woman until I walk out of the grocery store & try to find where I parked.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.