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@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@davidstassen

My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.

@Cassee999

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

@Home_Halfway

A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

@TheToddWilliams

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

@BruceForce

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt

@StellaRtwot

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

@PetrickSara

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

@JohnFatherJohn

confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.