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Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.


My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.


My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.


A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.


Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever


Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt


We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.


Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)


confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.