@itsybrittc
@beefman138
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
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@beefman138
@davidstassen
My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.
@Cassee999
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
@Home_Halfway
A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.
@TheToddWilliams
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
@maryfairybobrry
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
@BruceForce
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
@StellaRtwot
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
@PetrickSara
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
@JohnFatherJohn
confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.