Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably